scattered thoughts dot dot dot

It kills me how I can't blog whenever I please, and it's a shame that I can't even do it once a week.

Truth is, school kills. As I am typing this out and listening to Miley Cyrus' new hit single "Party In the USA", "noddin my head like yeah, movin my hips like yeah", I am wasting valuable time I could be spending reading 20 page short(I know, right?) stories, and 45 page chapters on the Human mind for my Psychology class. That's okay, I hate Wednesdays, I deserve some leisure in the middle of my day, no better way to do that than this, typing out without worrying about typos, grammar errors, caring what a professor will think, mm, mmm, amazing, I feel so free! Anyway, due to my inconsistent planning during my course selection, I ended up with a 4:10PM class on Wedenesdays, it's once a week, but EVERY WEDNESDAY, I must wait 3 hours from my 1 oclock class until the next one, its amazing how slow time goes by here unless I'm on my laptop or studying. I try to keep myself busy, the past few weeks haven't been great considering the amount of schoolwork I attempt to finish, and it's been over a week and a day since I've last spoken to you.

Now, since my recent discovery of your blog, I assume it's appropriate to refer to you as "you" now, if that makes sense. Take note, my IMEEM is now playing 'Coffee and Cigarettes' by Michelle Featherstone. I don't really know where to start this, heck, i don't even know what to say, "I'm sorry" isn't the right word, but it's the 1st that comes to mind. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, that I have to write a blog entry and hope that you'll somehow come across it and read it, but I guess that is the problem, the words in my blog entries. I can say that I enjoy blogging, but I'm definitely not a whore about it. I blog only at 2 points in my life, my highs and lows, neutral is not usually the case when I do so. I think it's reasonable to say that you shouldn't totally assume what I blog about is my view of the situation, that it is just a partial, a momentary feeling, like vertigo when you lean over a skyscraper. Point is, I don't think you should value what I blog about any more than what I tell you myself. The blogs are for the rest of the world, what I tell you is between us. I read your blog, and as dumb as I may sound to you right now, I was surprised. I was never really sure of your intentions, you made that quite clear. I never knew how you felt about me, you made that clear as well. It seems to me that I messed up, really bad for that matter, somewhere down the line, when I only really meant well, I meant the best actually, that sounds more appropriate. But, what to do, the truth came out, we didn't meet eye to eye somewhere. As I try to find your blog again, no luck, I'm guessing you either made it private or privatized it from myself. You seem to be anywhere but in my presence lately as well. I can't obviously take what was said back, but if you would let me explain, I would. I called you "bad taste" cause I constantly find myself affiliating with the type I'm apparently not supposed to. As I just "typed" you, I labeled you, another thing you weren't too happy about. Regarding this matter, I really don't know what to say, I'm human, when I meet someone, they end up in one box or another, as I get to know them, my perspective does not change, but I learn to accept them for who they are, no matter what box they're in. If you wonder which one you;re in, it doesn't really mater anymore, you mean a lot more just "someone else" to me. I'm pretty sure all of this isn't making sense right now, "You Belong With Me" is distracting me...I assumed you were leaving me just as the summer was, but you didn't. I find it ironic that we still talked even after that blog update of yours went up, no idea if you were expecting me to read it, but I did....2 weeks alter. It made me realize how bad of a position I put you in, I can admit that you were being even more mature than I was throughout the entire time, how you put up with me. I thought you were the one, but I guess I was the one being stubborn, unreal, all the other adjectives I labeled you as. I don't know what to do, can I really say anymore than "I'm sorry, I was a dumb ass bitch, I hope we can make up", but I know it won't be as easy as that. One thing I'm sure of though, I was however interested, don't get me wrong about that. You put your hand out to be friends, I can understand why you're upset cause you feel like I turned you down, in a sense, I can say I did. I stand my ground on this one sentence right here, sometimes it's just too hard to be "friends". For the longest while I thought I was Marvin 'Mouth" McFadden, the guys who's unappreciated, when in actuality, I put on the shoes of Felix Taggaro and his monstrosity, the jerk of a guy who would walk away when he doesn't get what he wants. I could go on forever on how big of a jerk he was, and every otehr girl in the world could too, but not for a second could anyone deny that what he felt for Brooke was real, that he loved every bit of her, with sincerity in his heart, and for a bit, you loved him for that. Maybe I pushed you too far and didn't give you enough time to let everything or anything sink in, and I was wrong for doing that. You meant more a lot to me, and it's a shame that I feel like it's all gone. You were more than just a girl I stayed up until 3AM for, clicked on the other girls' phonecall so I can just MSN with you. or just a "thing" to occupy my summer. I'm not ready to give up the 4 months of glee and smiles you gave, trust me on that one. All the missed hangouts, failed convos, arguments, we made it pass those, I can't why not this misunderstanding. I would understand if you hate me at this very moment, but I know you better than that. I'm not asking for another shot, cause that seems way pass due, but at least let me try, give me the benefit of the doubt that I"m better than what you now perceive. I'm still the same guy, I was just a bit over my head, and over the edge.

Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, I hope it's not too late.