Before I fuck it all up,

It's early in the morning, and I got nothing to do but Blog :) It's probably so weird to the both of us being up this early, well to me at least, a quick run down on how my sleep pattern has been lately.

10-11PM- get home and settle down from either work or a night out
12AM- debate whether I will watch a DVD or 2 or spend hours of productivity online with other nocturnals
depending on which of the 2 happens, results may vary;
a. chill in my room until I pass out, 2AM
b. you keep me up late, 3AM or later

Not in my best interest for my physical well-being, but hey, I always make the effort to go to the gym no matter how tired I am the morning after, so I deserve to destroy my sleep and ball my eyes out :) It's great to be finally back into the only thing that always seemed to work my cool. The strength may no longer be there, but I'll get back, I will earn back my 225 on the bench, and hopefully some of that Philippines and Grad season `09 weight will come off with it too. It never hurts to look and feel good either, take chances, LOL!

Taking chances, in a more emotional sense, most can conclude that I was never a fan. As I choose to shroud myself with "mystery", It also brings a wide array of pros and cons. The pros are that I save myself from emotional and financial breakdown, emotional and financial stress, drama, feeling obliged to be a well mannered gentleman at all times due to affiliations, having to resist, and ex boyfriends, which is never a problem anyway ;) On the other hand, it presents cons such as having no motivation to license myself, and a hiatus from relationships, more commonly known as, being single. Now, after being explained to you that way, if you were me, which would have you chosen? I rest my case :)

But, What if you felt that it was all worth it anyway. Wait, let me rephrase, "But, what if you felt that she was worth it anyway?" Too many people have died because they asked "What if...". Isn't it funny how throughout life, we find ourselves in the same fucking situations, but it feel different every time. Each and every time, you realize and discover something new, which gives you a new drive each time to do what you do. But at the end of all the stories, and when you finally get out of the forest that is guarded by a magical fire breathing dragon, you realize, it was all the same shit as before. With the same situation comes the idea of the same results, and in most cases it would be true. The last time I tried this, it went down ugly, do I really need to put myself through the same shit again?

They say you're like that real OG Kush, no pothead will ever smoke in his lifetime. People have given me a variety of opinion regarding the situations. It varies from "Go for it, I'm so happy for you.", to "Fuck it, if you're gonna be the one running after her, then peace out, you got other honeys". It's kinda funny how you go from one to another, shows how they really don;t know and only I can truly decide for myself how I'd like to see this all go down. I think you're great and all, but are you looking for the same thing as me? You talk to me, but are you just bored? I think the moments are meaningful, do you? You make me laugh, but do you remember the jokes? You open up, but you're holding back on so many other levels too. You ask what I think of you, but do you ever think about me? Maybe I'm getting to know you so well, but are we just friends? You promised to see me, now, where are you?

Maybe the real reason I got up this morning was I thought you'd remember. Not becuase of some party, not becuase of an agenda, and not becuase I wanted to make use of my time. Maybe we're just looking for different things, or maybe I'm just not what you're looking for.

We got the whole weekend ahead of us, I got a lot of thinking, and you do too.